Wow...

So my cousin is pregnant... I am still coming to terms with this as she is due in March (the 23rd). March is a hard month for me... granted I have a gorgeous son, who makes my heart sing.. I still can't help but feel sad about the butterfly I lost.... but that's a different post for a different day..

Anyways, my cousin's baby shower is at the end of February.. not really looking forward to it, but I will go. So my mom calls me the other day to tell me that my aunt has decided not to invite my cousin's girlfriend to the shower because she "doesn't want her to feel obligated to buy a gift, and she is 'only' a girlfriend." WHAT? How can she say something like that? I feel, and this is just my opinion, that a comment like that is incredibly rude. It makes me think that she doesn't like people are family and worth her time and effort unless they are married or something. I don't know.. that's just me.

6 weeks already

It's hard to believe that my little angel (well he is to me) is already 6 weeks old. I wish I knew where the time has gone. It really does feel like yesterday that he was born. We are starting to fall into some kind of routine. Starting is the key word. For the past week Gabriel has wanted to do nothing but eat... like ALL day! These are the times I wish I wasn't nursing, because the responsibility of feeding him falls solely on me, unless I pump a bottle for Chris to give to him... HA! Like that would happen... he's still falling into the damn work, come home, eat, and sleep crap. I really can't remember what it's like to actually lay in bed with my husband, and as far as intimacy goes... there is none. I'm really glad that I am on Zoloft cause I know I need it. 

My sadness

I never thought this would be so hard. I love my son to death and wouldn't change anything, but being a mom is tough. I hardly get any sleep as Gabriel thinks his days are nights and nights are days. I feel like a zombie most of the day. I try to sleep when he does, but it's hard because I have to do other things (well not right now, once I am fully recovered from my c-section). I didn't think that recovering from a c-section would be so tough. I know it's major surgery,  but I really thought I would be more mobile. I hate relying on people to drive me everywhere. I feel so helpless. 

I hate the fact that all I feel like doing at nighttime is crying. I cry for no reason. I cry because of stress, I cry because I don't know what else to do. I feel like no one understands what I am feeling. I look at Gabriel and I feel nothing but love for him and am so happy he is here, but then I worry about how am I going to do right by him, how am I going to provide everything he needs to be a happy and productive member of society? There are times where I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. I'm to tired, so exhausted. I am feeling like I have been the only one who has been taking care of Gabriel. This is not completely true as my mom, Tammy and Carly have been amazing. Chris was amazing while I was in the hospital and when we first got home, but ever since he went back to work, he has fallen into the same pattern of go to work, come home, eat, and sleep. He hasn't gotten up once to change a diaper or to feed him (which he can't do just yet as I do not have enough milk stored yet). It's so draining. It's not fair to me to be the only one to do this. I understand he has to work and has long stressful days, but this is his son too, he can help out. 

I really am afraid that my depression is going to get worse, but am glad that I filled my zoloft prescription and hope it helps me out, because I don't really want to look back and regret having this wonderful angel in my life.