My sadness

I never thought this would be so hard. I love my son to death and wouldn't change anything, but being a mom is tough. I hardly get any sleep as Gabriel thinks his days are nights and nights are days. I feel like a zombie most of the day. I try to sleep when he does, but it's hard because I have to do other things (well not right now, once I am fully recovered from my c-section). I didn't think that recovering from a c-section would be so tough. I know it's major surgery,  but I really thought I would be more mobile. I hate relying on people to drive me everywhere. I feel so helpless. 

I hate the fact that all I feel like doing at nighttime is crying. I cry for no reason. I cry because of stress, I cry because I don't know what else to do. I feel like no one understands what I am feeling. I look at Gabriel and I feel nothing but love for him and am so happy he is here, but then I worry about how am I going to do right by him, how am I going to provide everything he needs to be a happy and productive member of society? There are times where I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. I'm to tired, so exhausted. I am feeling like I have been the only one who has been taking care of Gabriel. This is not completely true as my mom, Tammy and Carly have been amazing. Chris was amazing while I was in the hospital and when we first got home, but ever since he went back to work, he has fallen into the same pattern of go to work, come home, eat, and sleep. He hasn't gotten up once to change a diaper or to feed him (which he can't do just yet as I do not have enough milk stored yet). It's so draining. It's not fair to me to be the only one to do this. I understand he has to work and has long stressful days, but this is his son too, he can help out. 

I really am afraid that my depression is going to get worse, but am glad that I filled my zoloft prescription and hope it helps me out, because I don't really want to look back and regret having this wonderful angel in my life.